heart of glastonbury JuneJuly 24 - Flipbook - Page 58
MEN SUFFER TOO - DOMESTIC ABUSE TOWARDS MEN
With the legal representative
supporting my situation
stating in 25 years of her
career in this area only 3 cases
had been successfully taken to
court.
Looking back, all the signs
were there in both
relationships for me to see,
but I was quite honestly
oblivious to them, and scared
to speak up initially. It’s a
gradual process that is often
calculated and the control that
is being used is small steps
that you don’t notice, but it
gradually builds to escalate to
how it ends up in many cases
It can start with maybe a
certain amount of putting you
down in front of your friends,
but in today’s world that’s
considered to be banter. It’s
not banter. It will make you
start to question yourself.
Gradually you are told the
clothes you are wearing are
not suitable and you will be
told that you should start
wearing this, that or the other.
Money slowly starts to be
withdrawn and the finances of
the relationship are in the
hands of one person, the
abuser. I was the only earner
in the marriage, and main
earner in the other
relationship, but was not
allowed to have my earnings in
my account. It was almost at
the point where you are given
pocket money even though
you are earning and actually
have a right to know what your
joint finances are and how
much money you have. It can
also be that you are faced with
constant accusations of where
have you been, who have you
been with (as examples), when
you know that you are as
faithful as the day is long. It is
all a systematic way of
breaking you down mentally
and emotionally.
Eventually your self-esteem
and confidence are at their
lowest and this is where for me
the mental abuse started to
move to a different level. You
are made to feel worthless and
you start to feel very
vulnerable. The final part of the
abuse will move on to physical
violence and yes this was the
case for myself, but by then I
was under such enormous
control of the other person in
the relationship that I didn’t
think it was unusual. In fact I
think I was just accepting it as
normal. It took me a long time
(I should have left both
relationships earlier), and I
might add a lot of courage to
leave, but I did. I dread to think
what the final outcome would
have been if I’d stayed in the
latter of the two.
At this point most men,
because of the way society
approaches men who are in an
abusive, violent relationships,
have no idea how to change it
or open up to anyone for fear
of being rejected as stupid and
that feeling of embarrassment.
When this all happened to me
with my ex wife in 2009 there
wasn’t really any support
groups or health professionals
to turn too and nearly cost me
my life, but thankfully times
have changed. There are now
many groups for men, not just
for Domestic Abuse cases but
also other areas that affect
Mental Health, and it giving the
tools to be able to speak
openly about suppressed
emotions.
For me the police need to do
more, I’ve been let down,
they’ve apologised and are
trying to resolve some of the
issues imposed by the abuser.
So we take positives in the fact
they are trying to change the
outcome of a taboo subject in
order to represent all equally.
The advertising put out by
the Police also needs
addressing as I recall only a
year ago on the radio it
stated the following:
“If you’re a woman or child
being subjected to abuse
please reach out”.
There was never a mention
of if you were a man
suffering, so this needs
changing for sure.
However, If you go to the
police or authorities they
will now at least attempt to
take you seriously and treat
you in a more sensitive way
which is a lot more than
history has shown. Of
course sometimes it is
difficult to maybe go to the
police for fear of reprisal
from the other person in the
relationship, and abusers
can be very clever and
conniving in making
themselves look like the
victim and making out you
are the abuser. Again this
happened to me. So please
do not be put off by this as
it’s just a smoke and mirrors
attempt to deflect blame
from themselves. Hold
strong in your knowing of
truth always prevails.
There are also charities now
such as the Mankind
initiative who can help you
to break free and give you
options to move forward.