The Inner Critic - Flipbook - Page 15
Sometimes the actions of caregivers intentionally or unintentionally lead to a withholding of love or
approval until a certain standard of behaviour is met. Love is not, unfortunately, unconditional all of
the time. This creates the space for a protective critic who wants to ensure that you meet the
standards that have been set.
Criticism from others
We have all been on the end of negative feedback and criticism. Some of it with greater stickability.
Stickabiity will depend upon tone, intention, who said it, the nature of the relationship that exists, the
internal self-concept of the receiver. Many things will inuence how criticism lands.
I can think of an incident between me and my sister. A criticism she made which I internalised and
lived by for many years. Cognitively I disagreed with her, and yet her comments got right under my
skin, playing into my deepest vulnerabilities. (Of course, that’s what siblings do isn’t it!)
When we are young we are so much more vulnerable to taking on other’s assessments without
questioning them. As with caregivers a part of us will emerge that wants to make sure we don’t fall
prey to those assessments.
As we mature into adults we have choices about the assessments we invite, and accept. How we
decide this depends upon who has given us feedback and the authority we aord them to do so. Who
are they in relation to us, and what do we perceive as their intention in giving us the feedback? I
observe so many people who do not know that they can choose to invite or decline an assessment.
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