MONO ISSUE 2 - Flipbook - Page 64
through my files. Her fingernails are short, and painted red. “You are aware of the side
effects?”
I know what she wants. A peek at my soul. This is the final step. To convince the
psychiatrist I can handle a memory lobotomy. “Yes, and the effects of not doing this.”
She rambles: “You can suffer depression, anxiety, possible regret, suicide, and of
course, there is a small chance the procedure will not work, and your memory remains
intact, or worse other memories are disrupted.”
“Has anyone ever committed suicide after the procedure?”
She smiles oddly. "A handful."
“I accept the risks.”
She leans back. This was her life. She loved it, the dig inside someone’s soul. To cut
her teeth on rib cages, peering inside. “Let’s talk about Jen. The woman that brought
you here.”
Her name. I wanted to hear her name and think of nothing. As it stood, even her name
nicked my gut. “Jen...Yes. Have you ever read Jane Goodall's “Digging up the Roots”
...the part where she talks grief?”
“I may have, but do not recall, but please elaborate.”
I recite Goodall: “If Gombe were destroyed I should know inconsolable grief. For
Gombe, with all its vivid and unique chimpanzees’ character, with all its tumbling
memories, has been an integral part of my life for more than thirty years. It is, I have
always said, paradise on Earth. And who would not mourn expulsion from paradise?”
"I see...clearly."
"I lost my Gombe ."
She nods, and her eyes are shiny with baby tears. She isn't burnt out. She still cares
about her patients. "Claire, I'm so sorry that life brought you here, but I'm glad you're
here."
I look at the floor. Grayish-blue laminate squares.
“How much of a financial hardship will this be for you? It says in your files that you are
a—?”
“--I have the money. No loans. I’ve saved for several months.”
She nods, giving me a corner smile, surprised. Most people, especially people in the
lower income tax bracket probably don’t come here or come with a loan. I must be an
anomaly, and so I know the jerk of her lip is because she's impressed. “Okay...well, I’ll
take you to the reception area. There you can pay, and set up your appointment, unless
you have any questions. If you do, please ask me. That's why I'm here."
“I have no questions.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
She nods and walks me out.
###
The wind kicks up debris in the parking lot. Even in this wealthy part of town, trash is
scattered. I had read something about this area getting windier with climate change. I
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