Minimalist Gossip Magazine Cover (49).pdf (23) - Flipbook - Page 68
other day.”
“Is that because of Brexit?”
“How would I know if it’s because of Brexit?” she snapped. “You’re really getting
on my tits now. Either buy something or fuck off so I can finish my manicure.”
I tried to keep my cool, but Bitter Betty was testing my patience.
“I’m looking for something not too fishy that I can partner with sautéed
asparagus tips and seasonal roast vegetables for a family dinner.”
“Sounds like some Jamie Oliver bollocks,” she sneered, invoking the TV chef.
“We’ve got mackerel, cod, pollock, arctic char, and sea bream.”
I peered through the glass into the display. Whole fish arranged in rows on beds
of crushed ice in the display case. Each fish wore expressions ranging from
sadness to surprise Their glassy lifeless eyes pleaded to me from behind the
glass to get my fish elsewhere.
“I don’t like the look of these,” I said. “Why are they so slimy?”
“It’s just a little mucous.”
“Oh.”
“Mucous is natural.”
“So is breast milk but I wouldn’t want it for dinner.”
“If you don’t want fish, we got crabs, prawns, and scallops too.”
I could no longer maintain my patina of kindness. Bitter Betty was being a cunt
because she enjoyed it. It was time to stop being nice.
“Two minutes ago you were filing those talons of yours,” I said, gesturing to the
bowls of shellfish in the display case. “Look at those oysters now, covered in
fingernail dust.”
She wasn’t used to customers asserting themselves. Bitter Betty dropped off
the stool and paced behind the counter, huffing and puffing. I really touched a
nerve.
“First of all, those are oysters rockerfeller. That’s grated parmesan, not
fingernail dust,” she said, sending droplets of spittle flying with each syllable. “If
you’re not gonna buy something, fuck off so other customers can place their
orders. This is a business and we can’t accommodate time-wasters.”
I contemplated escalating this battle of wills but ultimately decided it wasn’t
worth it.
“Enjoy your manicure,” I said, as I pushed out a fart and walked away.
I hope it fucking stank.
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