Gay London Life | Sept '24 Edition - Magazine - Page 46
Topher
Talks
The biggest thing that struck me
to make sure we have someone to
while watching the show was how
partner with and are not on our own.
many contestants found themselves
This dynamic can chip away at our
torn between two potential
confidence and self-respect, as
spouses—and the fact that they even
we might settle for less than what
informed the potential spouses of
we deserve or accept emotional
this ‘dilemma.’ The situation with Tom
uncertainty just to have someone
struggling to choose between Tasha
by our side. I am certainly not the
and Maria, and ultimately selecting
first person to highlight that the
Maria due to a stronger sexual
pressure to avoid being alone can
attraction, was deeply upsetting.
overshadow the importance of
It was particularly distressing to
maintaining our self-worth and
see Tasha break down in tears and
ensuring that any relationship we
leave the experiment, especially
pursue is genuinely fulfilling and
after she had shared her insecurities
respectful. But it is something that
and vulnerabilities on TV. This got
this show has flagged to me.
Technically, none of the couples
Like millions of others around the
me to the point of actual frustration,
world, I have been indulging in the new
shouting at my TV (and in voice notes
who were torn between two options
series of Love is Blind UK on Netflix.
to my girls). Mostly because I find
ended up working out, which is
(This column will contain spoilers.) I
it depressing that someone could
telling. Ironically, the only couple who
am in a group chat with six of my best
sit and listen to someone say, “I’m
‘survived’ the indecision did so because
female friends, where they have been
struggling to pick you to spend my life
one of the choices, Sam (whom I really
discussing it and its contestants in
with because there’s someone else, I
dislike, by the way), was playing a game.
detail. I have been PROMISING them
might also want,” and not only accept
It backfired when he could not maintain
I would watch it. I put it off for ages and
it but even wait for their decision.
the façade and ended up spouting
then ended up binge-watching it all in
It could never be me. Even on
some micro-aggressive nonsense at
one go. I am not someone who likes
my lowest day. If a potential partner
a Black woman on TV. She snapped
to get caught up in trending topics or TV shows, as I always find it a bit mind-
told me that they want me but there is
back to her senses and went for the
numbing. But Love is Blind has genuinely left me thinking and questioning.
someone else they also want—and
man she had a genuine connection
There are a few things that I have learned from the show about dating, self-
they are not sure—I would make the
with, Benaiah.
worth, and the mythology of finding the perfect partner.
decision for them and close that book
Love is Blind’s focus on choosing
right then and there. I would also
between multiple partners really
actively encourage them to pursue
highlights how the quest for ‘the
the other person and personally shut
perfect partner’ can sometimes lead
down any access to me. I would do it
us to accept less than we deserve,
immediately, however much it hurt.
even subconsciously. The pressure
I cannot imagine forming a healthy
of avoiding being alone can overtake
bond with someone while constantly
the importance of our self-worth and
having in the back of my mind that
having the clarity to ensure that any
they might be just a conversation or
relationship we pursue is genuinely
two away from choosing to spend
fulfilling and respectful. And it is so
their life with someone else instead.
easy to reduce ourselves when our
I think one of the reasons I got
so fired up by this bloody reality TV
feelings and competition are involved.
Anyway, I sincerely hope readers
show is that the divided attention
grasp my point and do not think I am
undermines the core goal of Love is
just preaching. Your self-worth—
Blind, which is to find a committed,
however it manifests in your life—is
lifelong partner. It raises concerns
more valuable than the reassurance
about how caught up we can get
of being chosen. A piece of advice
in the quest for companionship.
that always sticks with me is, “It’s your
Anything to avoid being alone, to
attitude about yourself that a worthy
get more TV time, to reassure our
partner will adopt,” and I believe this
insecurities… to win? But at what cost,
is true. The show highlighted this
ultimately? Potentially sacrificing our
poetically: only those who were truly
self-esteem and sense of self-worth
in love with one person from the start
in the process and on HD television
ended up marrying.
cameras? The tunnel-vision focus
Side note: if, for whatever reason,
on “finding someone to be with” that
Freddie or Ollie are reading this,
so many of us have can lead us to
please know that I can be folded like a
tolerate situations and disrespect
pretzel, I haven’t gagged since 2009,
where our value is diminished—all
and I can keep a secret.
If you need further guidance or have questions, feel free to email me:
topher@tophertaylor.co.uk
Follow my TikTok @TopherTaylor, Instagram @TopherTaylor
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or X @HelloIamTopher for more.