EXAMPLE PAGE - EBOOKS - THE PROMISE OF THE TEA GODS - Flipbook - Page 52
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H. K. O'HARA
her. But her eyes seemed to be keeping him alive. One guilty breath at
a time.
Not moving her eyes from his, she said, “Why don’t you just surrender?”
He had no idea from where his voice came, but he heard himself
reply, “I don’t know how.”
“Just let it go. None of it is worth worrying about. Just throw it all
into the wind and it will be taken to the place where it belongs.”
“But I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m responsible for what I do, which means I’m also responsible for accepting the consequences of what I do. I can’t expect
the wind to take care of things for me. I deleted you. I cannot undelete
you. I did it. And I don’t know how to undo it. I would if I could, but I
don’t know how.”
“Would my accepting your apology fix it?”
“No. I thought it would, but it won’t. You’re right not to accept it.
It’s flawed.”
“Flawed?”
“Yes. Flawed. It came from selfishness. I don’t know why I never
realized it before, but an apology doesn’t necessarily make the receiver
of it feel better. It makes the person offering it feel better. How could I
offer you something that makes me feel better but does nothing for you,
and call it fixed? I feel worse now, after trying to convince you to accept
it, than I did before I said anything at all.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I should be hard on myself.”
“No, you shouldn’t. You should be gentle with yourself. Remember,
I’m the one who started it. I’m the one who sent the card. I’m the one
who did something very wrong—something that offended you, or
threatened you, or embarrassed you. That was never my intention, but
somehow, one of those things happened. My heart was in the right
place—I just wanted you to know how important you are; that your being born was a blessing to the world—and yet I still made a huge
