ARRvol34 master reduced - Flipbook - Page 23
Wobbly
Patrick Fortelka
The best Vietnamese food and drink is found on busy sidewalks,
while sitting in miniature red or blue plastic tables and stools that
would more comfortably seat a child at a tea party than an actual
adult. There is a subtle art to sitting on a plastic step stool for hours
at a time. First, the stool has to be positioned in such a way that
none of its legs are in or near a seam in the sidewalk’s cobblestones.
Haphazard stool placement is at best a recipe for a wobbly night and
at worst a one way ticket for a broken stool and your ass to meet
pavement.
Second, the stool has to be perfectly placed, an inch further than
one thighs distance from the table, which is itself mere inches taller
than the stool and will never allow your legs to rest beneath it. Too
close to the table, and your knees will hit every time you adjust your
seating position, which will be frequent. Many a beer and bowl of
pho have been lost in this manner. It’s important not to over compensate for this danger, however. Sit too far from the table, and
you’re too far from your food or drink, causing a not insignificant
weight shift every time you lean inward to reach over your legs. I
say not insignificant because plastic stools have weak legs and a
deceptively high center of gravity, heightening the risk of an ass
meeting pavement event.
Third, and most important, is to get your placement right before
you sit down. As any accomplished musician or athlete will tell
you, it takes practice. If you sit and something doesn’t feel right,
stand up and reposition the stool and table. You’ll occasionally see
a sitting tourist reach down with two hands, grab the stool on
both sides, and hold it to themselves as they try to hop to a more
desirable position. This is, purely from an aesthetic point of view,
unacceptable. Worse still is attempting to slide the stool under you.
Plastic step stools under load, such as the weight of a full grown
human being, generate a seemingly infinite amount of friction
between their legs and the cobblestones beneath them. This friction,
combined with the aforementioned weakness in the legs, ensures
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