ARRvol34 master reduced - Flipbook - Page 20
The man didn’t seem the slightest deterred by my lack of engagement. After the show was over he simply shot me a head nod and
continued down the hallway. To this day I don’t know his name or
what he thought mine was, but that moment had been seared into
my brain for the foreseeable future.
I spent the next few months sitting alone in the cafeteria, eavesdropping on all the conversations around me. I wanted so desperately to be a part of something, more specifically I wanted to be a
part of something with people who looked like me. Naturally the
first step to integrating oneself into a new community is to learn
the language.
So my life at ARC continued as follows: show up to class early and
sit in the front row. Feel self conscious about sitting in the front
row. Buy a pair of Air Jordan sneakers because the only Black character on 90210 wore Air Jordan sneakers. Move to the back of the
classroom where all the Black athletes resided. Attempt to hide my
surprise when Brian, a football player, asks for my Snapchat. Stop
wearing floral Abercrombie dresses every day. Awkwardly witness
his obvious confusion when I tell him I don’t have a Snapchat (I deleted it in High School. Too many pale, unsolicited dick pics). Google
“popular Black musicians” while on the toilet at home. Agree to tutor
Bryan because he is failing the class and because I never learned
how to set a god damn boundary or say the word “no.” Force myself
to listen to Jay-Z and Kanye West on the ride home from school.
Find myself seated at the football players table in the cafeteria as
Bryan explains the meaning behind all of his tattoos and shows me
highlight reels of his past season. Strive to integrate phrases like
“finna” and “hell nah” into my daily vocabulary. Continue tutoring
Bryan and now several of his friends in Sociology. Regret using
phrases like “finna” and “hell nah.”
12
It has been three long years since this cycle of overcompensation
ended. I would be lying if I said that I don’t have the occasional re-
