American River Review 2019 - Flipbook - Page 57
inside the house, as if he knew she felt weakness just
from his proximity and he twisted her toward him just
hard enough for her to lose her footing and be pulled tight
against his chest.
“You can’t blame me, right?” Up close she could see
every imperfection: every pore sweating out that justone-more drop, the scar that cut through his eyebrow,
bone white against his flushed face, eyes cold and dead
and accusing that screamed, it’s your fault I drink. His
face etched like granite, markings that told a story of a
lifetime of not being good enough.
She remembered a softer time—air just as hot and still
too poor for air conditioning—just like now, but full of
love. Tracing wet washcloths over already damp skin, all
elbows and knees and still little wild things. Like a beaten
dog he’d cry at simple touches, cry for the moon that
didn’t seem to rise, cry for the dark, cry to be taken out
of the bright world, and she’d be his solace from the sun
until he drifted off into his artificial night.
“I was just out with the guys.” He growled through
barred teeth. His touch, stained and calloused in more
ways than one, almost made her feel more alone. He held
glass bodies more tenderly, lips kissed to long necks that
were not hers, that didn’t ask why aren’t you home, that
didn’t beg please, we need that money for a rent check.
Jerking away, she clenched her hands into tight fists, felt
the bone underneath the skin, felt the hate that was truly
love and mostly fear. The fear of not being strong enough
to run away and the need to fight, ending this once and
for all the only way they knew how. Two caged beasts just
trying to survive.
She turned when she heard a low hum deep in his
chest, almost like a purr. He’s sprawled out on the bed,
face finally innocent as he reaches his favorite place to
hide. The silver at his temples now seemingly misplaced,
he held his age in the awareness of his mortality. Her
overpowering demand to mother something brushed an
eyelash off his face, pulled off his boots, and saved the
battle for another day.
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